The festive season is often portrayed as a time of joy, love, and togetherness, but for many, spending time with tricky family members can turn this celebration into a challenging ordeal.
Family relationships can be complex, with dynamics that may include toxicity, narcissism, past abuse, or poor parenting. Adult children particularly may find themselves triggered by the presence of challenging family members during the holidays.
Let’s explore the difficulties that can arise and provide practical coping strategies for dealing with toxic family members at Christmas time.
Understanding the Challenges
Toxicity and Negative Energy
Tricky family members often bring negativity and toxicity to gatherings. It’s essential to recognise the impact these can have on your wellbeing and mental health.
Dealing with narcissistic family members can be emotionally draining. Their need for attention and validation can create an unhealthy atmosphere over Christmas for the rest of the family.
Past Abuse and Trauma
For individuals who have experienced past abuse, the holiday season may trigger painful memories. Being around previous abusers can lead to anxiety and distress.
Poor Parenting and Its Effects
Adults who experienced poor parenting may struggle with feelings of resentment, anger, or disappointment. The holidays can magnify these emotions when faced with parents who did not meet their needs during childhood.
Set Boundaries and Limits
Clearly define and communicate your boundaries with family members and let them know if a behaviour is unacceptable. Or if you don’t feel able to do that, try limiting the time you spend together – maybe a meal in a pub for a couple of hours would be a better option than all day around someone’s house. Setting limits can help protect your mental wellbeing.
Choose Your Battles
Selectively engage in conversations, avoiding topics that may lead to conflict. Choose peace over proving a point during festive gatherings. If a difficult conversation is needed, you could have it another time.
Plan activities or games or a movie to watch that can serve as distractions during family time this Christmas. This not only helps to diffuse tension but also provides an opportunity for everyone to focus on positive and enjoyable moments.
Let me introduce the concept of “bean-dipping,” a strategy where you deflect uncomfortable or triggering topics by redirecting the conversation. If a family member starts asking questions or talking about something you don’t want to talk about, simply distract them by saying “ooh this bean dip is lovely, have you tried it?” (or something similar) then begin a conversation about something else entirely – or move to a different room to talk to other people.
Look After Yourself
Prioritising self-care during the holiday season can make it easier to deal with others. Allocate time for activities that bring you joy or relaxation. This can include anything from reading a book or meditating to hiking up a mountain with friends.
Build a Support System
Surround yourself with supportive friends or family members who understand your struggles. Having a solid support system in place can provide comfort and reassurance during or after challenging family interactions.
The spirit of celebration and togetherness is a great source of inspiration.
While spending time with tricky family members during the holidays can be difficult, implementing these coping strategies can help create a more positive and manageable experience.
Remember that your mental wellbeing is a priority, and seeking professional help is a valuable option if you find yourself struggling to navigate these complex family dynamics.
The festive season can be a time for joy and connection, and with the right strategies in place, you can create a more enjoyable and fulfilling experience for yourself and your family.
If you find that coping with toxic family dynamics is taking a toll on your mental health, consider seeking professional counselling. As a trained psychotherapeutic counsellor, I can provide guidance, coping strategies, and a safe space to explore and process complex family dynamics and the array of emotions they bring up.
Take the first step towards brighter future Christmases and contact me to book a counselling session online or in Suffolk.